“i just want you to be
proud of me”
— a daughters deepest longing
- Christine Marie, Breaking Free
Years ago, I began to write what would now be my first debut book of poems, Breaking Free. There were many reasons as to why I took 4-5 years building courage and strength to not only write this book, but also to share it with the world.
In many podcasts and interviews, I mostly speak about how Breaking Free helped me heal from an abusive and toxic relationship in my early twenties. Simultaneously, this all happened once I was forced to cradle inside the biggest dark night of my soul, where I was left with nothing but the anguish and grief from childhood that was mirrored in this relationship.
This time, I could no longer run away from it.
Those days, I spent each and every morning waking up with a mere flicker of healing hope, meditating and singing along with the mantra, Ra Ma Da Sa, while inhaling Palo Santo incense and day-dreaming about my upcoming pilgrimage to India.
Every morning, I sat with my feelings exposed, inside and out, like a mirror reflecting both the light and shadows of my soul, unyielding in its raw honesty. I've filled countless pages in journals, now chaotically stacked within arm's reach of my writing space, ready to provide a wellspring of inspiration whenever needed.
When I wrote this Breaking Free, I (literally) wanted to break free of the trauma and the ancestral burdens I had been carrying. And also, if I’m being honest, the wounded inner child in me wanted my father to be proud of me.
I wanted him to acknowledge that not only did I have a story to tell that could make impact, but that, as his daughter, he could be inspired by my ability to be courageous enough to face my demons and self-destruction— something that he never really could muster up the bravery to do himself.
Breaking Free was self-published publicly around the same timeframe I decided to go no-contact with him. The praise I longed for from my father was non-existent, and I gave up hope that there would ever be a day where I would receive any ounce of acknowledgement from him.
Fast forward four years later, our last phone call before he passed reassured me that he had wondered about this endeavor. The words he shared on our last phone call were, how is your book doing?, and I love you, became enough acknowledgement that the little girl inside of me always yearned to hear.
As I have been deeply in my mourning process, those words serve as an anchor to hold onto.
If you’re wondering if my dad bought a copy, I can assure you, it was not in the pile of books we found along his bedside, like the Bible or The Lost Boy. However, if you have listened or read my latest podcast interview, Following the Flow, with Real Life Magic’s Host,
- then you would know that Breaking Free made it to the spirit world with a former patient who acted like a proud father towards me.My guess is, my father is reading Breaking Free now in the spirit world as we speak.
With love,
Christine Marie
Awakening the Healer Within
✨ I’ve been loving these collaborations lately. Take a look at another recent interview and collaboration with
- Awakening the Healer WithinSpecial Announcement!
Something powerful happened around the time my father passed away…
I was invited into a powerful collaboration with Eleusia Health, where we’ve made it our mission to awaken the healer within through the facilitation of transformational experiences like psychedelic medicine and supportive healing modalities.
This upcoming May retreat is more than just a gathering—it's a sanctuary crafted with a singular purpose: to empower women to transcend the confines of victimhood and reclaim the sovereign essence that resides within each of them.
We are calling in women who are seeking a deeply intentional and transformative experience. You will be provided with the support, tools, and inspiration you need to break free from limiting beliefs, embrace your inherent power, and create positive change in your life while making an impact on others.
As my father has been my biggest teacher around self-worth, acceptance and empowerment, I find it no coincidence that this birth of a creation came to life at a time like this.
I feel his spirit cheering me on. I feel the support of his heart and love.
If you identify as woman, or know of dear friend who is ready to say YES to transformation, radical health, wealth and self-expression, then we invite you to apply for this sacred container.
*Limited spots available*
I feel like your father is so proud of you Christine, so proud even when he found it difficult to show it. In fact I see him sharing your book in spirit, carrying it to show anyone who he can. I know the wounds will take time to heal, whilst they do I wish you the most peaceful and gentle relief, release and embrace of kindness and compassion. Love and light. 🙏💫
This feels so raw and so fresh, and also: like a lot of healing has happened. My father wound has really risen to the surface in the past few weeks, and your sharing of your healing journey with this round, in particular, has been incredibly healing for me. I am so inspired by the work you do - all of it. ♥️